Wizard Anders has an Epiphany
by Shepard Supreme
Summary: AU! Anders loves that cute little female Hawke.  He has a plan to win her heart - It may or may not involve the distruction of overly large places of worship.  He already needs to make a political point.  Why not kill 2 birds with 1 stone...so to speak


_Admittedly, Anders **is **a bit out of character. But hey, this is a parody :)_

_Enjoy!_

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><p><strong>Wizard Anders has an Epiphany<strong>

"I suppose I'll see you tomorrow Anders." Adrienne Hawke sang, gliding out of the door of Anders clinic.

Anders sighed as he watched the lovely lady Hawke leave. He laughed dryly and thought to himself, _Wouldn't it be weird if she was a boy? I might consider hopping borders for a man like her!_

Anders couldn't help but admire her. She was a philanthropist and an avid Andrastian. He thought it was adorable that her naïve, sweet, innocent little brain still trusted the Chantry.

He gushed at the fact that Adrienne was not only a mage, but also a spirit healer. Truly she and Anders had much in common. They were the perfect match. Though he knew he was smooth, charming, and much more attractive than certain brooding elves, Hawke still seemed to be uninterested in his advances. Alas, it was up to Anders to make her see the truth.

Anders sat down to his desk, and began working on his manifesto, his favorite part of the day. The only time he had the opportunity to show off his magnificent wit and intelligence, whilst voicing his opinion on the plight of his fellow mages.

He began to write:

_And mages _never_ have their own room._

_I mean when are we supposed to have "alone-time"._

_It's bad enough that the Templars treat us like dirt._

_You would think that those bitches at the chantry would be more sympathetic towards the mages' cause. But noooooo. Gotta keep the peace and "not take sides"!_

_I swear, sometimes I would just like to slap a bunch of poopy in the chantry and just blow it right up!_

Anders gasped, "I've just had an astounding, profound, wondiferous Epiphany!"

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Anders' excitement from such a beautiful, beautiful epiphany had not died down from the previous night. At first, he thought he might go straight to Hawke's home to discuss the steps necessary for success. Then he thought, _Friends don't _leave_ their home to talk to Hawke. They wait for her to come to them when they have problems!_ He laughed thinking about why anyone would **ever** leave their home without Hawke.

So Anders waited.

And waited.

Ummm, waited some more.

"This is taking _forever_! She must know my plan NOW!" Anders cried after waiting twenty minutes.

Anders left his home, and strutted out of Lowtown.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Anders skipped giddily through Hightown, ignoring the snobby nobles who shot him annoyed looks. Anders knew it must be because he was a mage, though he was sure they didn't know he was a mage. Then again, how could they **NOT** know he was a mage when he was wearing mage robes and his freakin' staff? Alas, that was something he would have to ponder later…and perhaps add to his manifesto.

"_We should BURN those nobles with FIRE!"_

"Good morning Justice." Anders mumbled to himself.

"_They should all feel our WRATH!"_

"Oh hush! We aren't supposed to be talking anyway. We're **one**, remember?"

"_Oh all right. Have a nice day. And if you're out, pick up some of those tasty spice cookies."_

It was hard to pay much attention to where he was going when Justice was rambling in his head, so Anders wasn't surprised when he found himself in the wrong direction.

_Better turn around_, he thought. But when he did, he saw the golden curls of his very own lovely -

"Hawke!" He called to her.

She turned around to face him and her rosy lips parted revealing a brilliant smile.

"Anders! What are you doing out of your home?" Hawke asked curiously.

"It's a long story" He laughed, "I was just…"

Just then Anders noticed her company. To Hawke's left was the stuck up, chantry loving Sebastian Vael. To her right the snarling elven warrior, and Anders' arch nemesis: Fenris.

Anders couldn't reveal his plan in front of those two Chantry loving jerk offs. So he thought of a _new_ story.

"So…great news! I've found a way to separate myself from Justice!" Anders declared.

"_What?"_ Justice grumbled and Anders quietly shushed him.

"Really?" Sebastian queried.

"That's wonderful news!" Hawke gasped.

Fenris simply grunted, glaring at Anders.

"Turns out all I have to do is dig through some poop to find these…ya know it's really scientific. Why don't you just follow me and I'll show you!" Anders replied.

"Sure!" Hawke beamed.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Anders felt pretty good about himself and his plan was set in motion. Sometime in the near future he would blow up the chantry causing a mass mage revolution and win the heart of the fair Adrienne Hawke.

He had come to terms with the fact that, in the end, he may have to die. This was how the game worked. _Someone_ had to be a martyr, right? _I mean, what's a public rebellion without a Martyr?_

"This is getting us nowhere. Grand Cleric Elthina will put a stop to this!"

"You will not bring Her Grace into this!"

_EeeEee! That's my cue!_, Anders giggled.

"The grand cleric cannot help you!" Anders bellowed.

"Explain yourself mag-"

"I will not stand by and watch you treat all mages like criminals." He continued, "While those who would lead us bow to their templar jailers."

"How dare you-" Orsino interrupted and Justice was beginning to get **fed up** with interruptions.

"The Circle has failed us, Orsino! Even you should be able to see that! The time has come to act. There can be no half-measures. There can be no turning back."

The ground shook and his heart pounded. _At last the Chantry will feel the wrath of JUSTICE!_ Anders wondered if there would be mages asking him to make a speech afterward. He was glad that he remembered to tuck a copy of his manifesto in his pocket for inspiration!

BOOOM! WAH BAMMMY!

Stain glass shattered from the overly large structure, then fell to the ground sticking into what little bits of ground could be found in the stone court. This was his moment, the moment for every mage. Fireballs flew across the sky into the city of Kirkwall. _HA! He told Velanna that his fireballs were bigger than hers!_

"Elthina! NoooooOooO! Maker, No! She was Your most faithful, Your most beloved!" Sebastian whined in the corner.

Orsino gasped, "Why? Why would you do such a thing?"

"I removed the chance of compromise, because there is no compromise. Look it's all in my manifesto, page 78 says-"

"Not now Anders!" Varric grumbled.

"The Grand Cleric has been slain by magic. The Chantry has been destroyed. You bitchy mages are going DOWN! We're having a mass execution Cullen, get the men ready!" The Knight Commander called.

"The Circle didn't even do this! Champion, you can't let her! Help us…uh Champion?" Orsino cried looking around for the young woman.

_Oh no!_, Anders thought,_ She was supposed to see my declaration of LOVE!_

He searched for a sign of her. Then saw Fenris hunkered over on the ground.

"Blast you elf! You distracted my love in this, my most infamous moment!" Anders bellowed walking toward Fenris.

Fenris turned to Anders, baring his teeth as a growl roared through his throat. Under Fenris, Anders could see Adrienne trembling against the stone ground. Her skin was pale, her eyes were glossed with moisture, and blood soaked her light blue robes. A large shard of stained glass was settled in the middle of her abdomen.

Adrienne smiled and she lightly whispered, "Are you okay? I knew you would come-"

But her voice broke off, and the deep exhalation of her last breath echoed through the courtyard.

"Hawke?" Anders shook her arm to elicit some sort of response.

Weakly, he cried her name again, "Hawke!"

"What have I done?" He cried.

"_What have __**you**__ done? It's the Chantry that pushed us to do this. It's the Chantry that would have locked the girl up for simply being who she was."_ Justice spoke.

"So-So she died…for my cause?" He finally understood.

Anders lifted the woman's limp body, showing it to all of Kirkwall.

"See! See what the Chantry has done to our kind. The Champion of Kirkwall is a martyr for our cause." He proclaimed.

Anders touched Adrienne's sallow face.

"We've done it dear. There will be freedom for all mages. Don't worry, your sacrifice will not be made in vain."

He faced his victory with a sad smile.


End file.
